6, 11 & 10

When I restarted this little blog I told you had dated 14 men in 8 months. Let’s bump that up to 16 in 9 and let me tell you about 6, 11 & 10.

6- His real last name is Cheese. I’m an expert Google researcher (or crazy stalker depending on how you look at it) and I can find out a lot about these guys (and they me which is why I write this blog under an alias!) But I digress.

Mr. Cheese admitted to lying about his age. He wasn’t 39. He was 41. My same age. But, he was tired of 50 year old women hitting on him. My thoughts on this are so what they send you an email. You think I don’t get emails from men in their 50’s. 60’s? I get inappropriate emails all the time. I ignore them and don’t lie about anything in my profile. Not my age and not my height. Which leads me to 11.

I kindly refer to 11 as You’re Not 5’9”. I was glad that he recognized me because I would not have recognized him. We had a lovely dinner and enjoyed the band playing. He was funny. He needed some chapstick and all I had was some that had a shimmer in it. He said he didn’t care and he used it. So there he sat with pink, shiny lips. It was comical.

Then he made a statement that has had me thinking the last couple of months. The statement was: I’m trying to figure out why you’re single. We’ll revisit this later. I want to stay focused on him for the moment. When dressing for the evening I was sure to wear my short heels because his profile stated that he was 5’9”. Do you see where this is going?

As we walked together out to our cars, he looks over at me and says, “You’re tall.” And the thought through my head was “And, you’re not 5’9””

I am exactly 5’7”. I had my brother measure me at Thanksgiving when my nephew who is the same height as me said he was 5’ 9” and I panicked- Had I grown? And I would not let anything else happen until we found a measuring tape and measured me! In conclusion, You’re Not 5’ 9” just disappeared.

Let’s move on to 10.

There is nothing fun, silly or exciting to tell you about 10. Not even a silly nickname. He was a normal guy that seemed to be a hard worker. He was a teacher. We played Top Golf together. When I was close to winning, he pulled out the Big Bertha to drive out to the edge to get more points. I wasn’t impressed. He sent me a text a couple of days after our date that said while I was a fun girl to get to know, he wasn’t my guy. The End.

But, back to that statement: I’m trying to figure out why you’re single.

I laughed when he said it and exclaimed, “ME TOO!” And I’ve thought a lot about it since that date. I could be with someone if I really, really wanted to just be with someone. Not all of the guys that I have gone out with this past year fall under this category but I don’t want to just be with anyone. I want to be with someone special. Someone that I feel confident will give me the love I deserve and that I also will choose (choose!) to give my love to because I have learned that love is not something that just happens to us like magic in the night.

You love someone because you choose to love them.

I'm pretty sure I would be a rockstar client if I could afford to pay Evan.

Single lady friends. Please. Sign up for Evan's emails. I cannot tell you how many times I have received the perfect email advice right at the perfect time.

I want to share the email that I received today from Evan. And, I only receive it because I'm on his mailing list. I have purchased the Why He Disappeared Online and I did have his team help me with my profile but these free emails seem to show up just when I need them.

You ever have a friend who worries you a little bit? (Hope, here. I'm probably that friend for some of you reading this. Sorry! I'm working on it.)



You care about her deeply but you can’t help but question her decision-making.


You’ve stuck by her for years, through ups and downs, and have done everything in your power to ensure that she’s happy.


When she got into a big fight with her boss, you supported her, even though you weren’t sure she was entirely right.


When she got herself in trouble after having unprotected sex, you supported her, even though she was clearly drunk and irresponsible.


When she chose a guy who was, objectively, a jackass, you supported her, because you’re her close friend, and that’s what friends do.


But isn’t it hard to sit there and watch her make these mistakes?


Don’t you just want to tell her:


“Choose a career that makes you happy! Surround yourself by good people who love and nurture you! Don’t get so anxious every time something goes wrong! It’ll be okay, I promise.”


Yet, you don’t say that. And for your friend, it seems things are never okay.


Still, you continually find new ways help her to change her ways – and do so with compassion. It’s no easy trick, is it?


Yeah, that’s what it’s like to be me.


For 4-5 hours every day, I try to find new ways to break through to my clients. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I fail.


Almost always, I get some form of irrational pushback.


Irrational pushback means that you don’t want the results you’re getting, but you don’t want to change either. Irrational pushback is something like:


“I want to lose 30lbs, but I don’t want to diet or go to the gym.”


OR


“I want to become an Olympic swimmer, but I don’t like getting wet.”


This is why I have a job.


If you’re frustrated with men, fed up with online dating, despondent at your prospects and can’t see how YOU can possibly be responsible for your own fate…


We really need to talk.


You may be a great friend who perpetually watches her friend make mistakes, but if YOU’VE never figured out what YOU’RE doing wrong, something has to change.


Click here to learn more about how having a coach who calls you out on your blind spots is the ONLY thing that will get you unstuck.


And keep reading to learn about your biggest blind spot – and how changing your behavior can instantly open up a whole world of possibilities...

Dear Hope,


I have two lovely clients right now who are driving me crazy. (I would probably be one of these clients. If I could afford to hire a dating coach.)


I want to help them so bad, but they’re giving me the irrational pushback.


Janelle is 40, a teacher with a creative bent. Before she came to me, she was sleeping with a man for four months and she fell really hard for him.


The only problem was: he wasn’t falling for her.


The second she brought up the idea of a commitment, he freaked out, bailed, and hasn’t spoken to her since. That was three months ago.


Janelle is still trying to figure out what she did wrong and how to get him back. (No! Janelle! Who cares! He's not the one for you! See. I listen, Evan.)


Sigh.


Liz, 45, bright and nature-loving, had very little dating experience following the end of her 25-year relationship. Which makes it no surprise that she quickly fell for a man soon after her divorce.


She, too, has been sleeping with her guy about once a week. He hasn’t called her his girlfriend, integrated her into his life, said he loved her, or escalated the intensity of their relationship in the past four months.


Every week, I get on the phone with Liz, listening to her tell me how it tears her up emotionally that her booty call has no interest in stepping things up.


Every week, I get on the phone with Janelle, listening to her lament the loss of the emotionally stunted man who disappeared without a trace three months ago.


Neither is willing to get rid of the wrong man, so neither will find the right man.


This isn’t my OPINION. This is a FACT.


Every second Liz and Janelle invest into holding onto the “potential” of these commitmentphobic guys is a second that they’re NOT out finding the man who DOES want to commit.


Tape that to your mirror, okay? (I got it, Evan! I got it! I will not waste one emotional inkling on a man that does not want to commit to me. I'm such a pro at this dating thing!)


If you’re looking for a long-term committed relationship, it doesn’t matter how cute he is, how smart he is, how funny he is, how rich he is, or how great the sex is. (Amen!)


Literally ANY random guy on Match.com is a better bet than a man who has made it clear that he does NOT want to marry you.


Wrap your head around that for a second.


Even if you’ve got a 1 in 20 chance with some dude on Match, that’s still HIGHER than the odds of the man who texts you once a week becoming your husband.


Those odds are ZERO, my friend. (Odds. Math. Not really my strong point, Evan. Let's draw a picture. :))


A man who wants to be your boyfriend calls you every day, makes plans regularly, calls you his girlfriend, introduces you to his friends, talks about a future, etc.


If he’s not doing it, you’re wasting your precious time, Hope.


“But wait”, you say, “It’s too early. Don’t men need time to decide if they want to be your boyfriend?”


Yes. Yes, they do. So let’s figure out how long it usually takes, okay?


Think back to your five most recent boyfriends (who weren’t already friends before you started dating). (Uh, darling. I will have to go really far back to get 5! There was Colorado Steve though I'm not really sure I can call him a boyfriend, Darts, Utah, my exhusband- wait- I was friends with both Utah and my ex before we started dating. NO wonder I suck at this!)


How long did it take for those new men to declare their interest in a committed relationship with you? One date? One week? One month? Two months, tops? (Evan, it took 5 years for exhusband to decide to marry me and that was with coersion which I don't recommend. We are divorced afterall.)


I’m betting it was sooner, not later.


Generally between a week and a month, from my experience.


So if you’re with a guy who hasn’t stepped up to the plate yet, you know what?


He’s not going to.


He’s using you until he finds someone he likes better.


He’s getting his rocks off without commitment because you allow him to.


And now it’s time for you to cut him loose.


“Hey, Brad… It’s been fun getting to know you, but I’m not looking for a casual relationship, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And after two months of seeing you once a week, it’s clear to me we want different things. You seem like a great guy; I wish you the best of luck in finding the right girl. No hard feelings, but you can lose my number. Take care.”


That’s it.


You can literally do this with your waste-of-time guy when you finish reading this.


Because, honestly, I can’t take any more tales like this from women I care about:


Just this week, my client, Sheri, told me that she’s falling for a man who’s been divorced SIX times and is readily shopping for Wife #7. (And I thought three was bad!)


What am I supposed to say to her when she’s intoxicated with his looks, intelligence and charisma? Here’s what I came up with:


“If I told you that I had a financial advisor who went bankrupt six times, would you give him all of your retirement funds to invest?”


Laugh if you want.


Sheri did. Yet she’s still seeing her charming, chapel-hopping paramour.


And so, Hope, I’m going to tell you what your once a week guy and best friend won’t tell you – once and for all.


Some guys can’t make anybody happy. (And no one is going to change that.)


It doesn’t matter if you have a great connection or he is an amazing person.


All that matters is whether he’s declared himself your boyfriend in the first 6 weeks.


If not, it’s nobody’s fault but your own if he breaks your heart six months later.


And this time, you can’t say you didn’t see it coming.


Are you still stuck on a guy from the past? (not anymore!)


Are you still seeing a guy who won’t commit? (nope.)


Check out Why He Disappeared and break those chains forever.


Every second you’re hung up on the wrong guy is a second you’re not looking for the right one.


And don’t you think you deserve a guy who WANTS to be with you?


Yeah, I do, too.


Click here to learn more.


Warmest wishes and much love,


Your friend, Evan

The man speaks the truth. Go over to Evan's website today and browse around. That's http://www.evanmarckatz.com/.

Third Date Butterflies

Single ladies. If you are reading this, I beg of you to read the next statement and repeat it out loud- give the guy that you don't have those pesky instant butterflies with a second and third chance!

If you read yesterday's post you read that I agreed with TheVoice when he said he was better looking than TubaDad. TheVoice was wrong. And, I was wrong.

Hear that? I was wrong.

Last night TubaDad made dinner for me. And while I stood there in his kitchen watching him cook for me and listening to him tell me a story all I could think of was, "hey, he's really cute. Darn cute." And I really wanted to let my lips fall off my face to see if he would catch them. But I didn't.

But I did feel some pesky butterflies.

I don't like cake filling with pineapple and coconut.

Over analyzing and dissecting every word and action is something I am very good at and it's something that drives me absolutely crazy about myself. I believe that the Universe is conspiring to help me make my dreams come true but it likes to constantly test me as to what it is I actually want. It's starting to piss me off to be honest.

So, let's discuss the Friday night date with TheVoice.

TheVoice gives me butterflies and makes me laugh. I had fun on our date. We started at one bar, and bar hopped to other places throughout the night. We went through each others wallets, we discussed exes, his lips fell off his face and mine caught them, he gave me some flowers from the flower pot next to our table, we drank too much and I kicked his ass in darts. I would like nothing else to jump off the high dive into believing that he's my next husband but he's already planning for me to be his next ex wife. There are already three of them and before you go off judging him let's not call him a three time loser- let's call him a three time learner (I read that in a soul mate book.) and I believe at his core, he's a good guy even if I'm not the girl for him. He was being cheeky, I know, when he introduced me to the strangers sitting next us at the bar we were at as, "this is my future ex wife" but over analyzing and dissecting- that's what I do. I'm already the ex! How did that happen? How did we fall out of love so quickly?

We discussed the Wednesday night farce of me texting him while waiting for another date. He makes the comment, "But I'm better looking than him." to which I reply, "That's a true statement." but what I didn't say was, (because I'm not quick witted enough, damn it!) "but that's just the icing on the cake. What's the cake? Do I like the cake? Or, does it have some gross filling in it that's has little chunks of pineapple and those strands of coconut? Yuck."

TheVoice says he has a knack of reading people, "for example," he says, "I can tell you really like me." Which is also a true statement. I like you so much that it scares the hell out of me. Thankfully, I didn't verbalize that but I kind of wonder if he saw it on my face since he has a knack of reading people.

Then TheVoice says this, "I'm a bad boy."

Let's analyze and dissect that statement, shall we?

Dear Universe, I do not want a bad boy. Bad boys make girls feel insecure and crazy, and frankly, not two attributes I like feeling. What I would like, dear Universe, is a kind, caring, fun man who wants to love me and make me happy sharing laughter, good times and bad times and that would like for me to reciprocate those feelings for him. THAT is what I want. I think that is what we all want.

So, when TheVoice says I'm a bad boy, I should believe him, right? He's telling me who he is, right? Was that him being cheeky? Was it a true warning or just a funny statement? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess we will only know with how he follows up after the date.

What I do know is that I can't let those butterflies of attraction make me crazy and insecure. I have to keep a level head and see what's actually under the icing because as handsome as the icing is, it's the cake that actually matters, otherwise, it's just sugary icing that will just wind up giving you a stomach ache.

So, it's not that I don't hope to hear from TheVoice again but when TubaDad called on Saturday, I happily accepted the invitation to join him for dinner and a movie.

Maybe I'll stop by the store and pick up a cake.

Cloud 9

My logical, rational self realizes that this may be premature because I have only seen the icing on the cake (and the icing is loud and funny and really cute with the most beautiful green/hazel eyes I have ever seen), but when I left the restaurant where I just met TheVoice, his best friend and TheVoice's 19 year old son (it was an impromptu invitation to join them after their golf game and after work for me), I smiled the whole drive to my girlfriends house and as I bound into her home just like Tigger, and with the a huge goofy smile on my face and giddy butterflies in my stomach, I clearly announced to my friends that I had just met my future husband.

A funny thing happened while waiting for my date.

Let's talk real time. Well, like last night.

So far, everyone I've written about has had some time pass between the actual date and the publishing time of these posts but last night was way too classic.

Here are the players:
Me -  Cute, sweet, funny me. I think Sandra Bullock will play me in the movie.

TubaDad - Nice guy. His son plays the tuba and it was a funny story. We were meeting for dinner at 7:30 at roof top pizza place that features music. This is our second date. I'm thinking Stanley Tucci will play him but Stanley may be too old. Give me a 40 year old bald man. Maybe Jason Statham if he can do an American accent.


TheVoice - We have a date planned for Friday night. Tomorrow. He offered to pick my up on his motorcycle but I declined for the first date. We've shared a couple of emails and one phone call yesterday at lunch. He has a smooth, beautiful, deep voice. A new comer may have to play him because I can't find an actor that has both the deep voice and the looks of a 45 year old Caucasian man. Michael Clarke Duncan's voice and Mark Harmon's appearance but I could be totally off since I haven't actually met him yet.

Colorado Steve - He's relocating to Texas and suppose to be moving here next week. We "dated" April through early June. He came into town to meet me. We talked on the phone for hours. Well, he talked and I listened. He became super stressed and the phone calls dropped off. My gut was saying "this isn't the one, girl" but I like to give guys a fair chance. Or, I'm just stupid. I think I made the right decision by calling this one off. I think he will be played by a really cocky Gerard Butler and he has to have a weird Oregon accent.
 
Okay- so there I was waiting for TubaDad. I was a little early so I send a text at 7:29 saying: I'm here. I just wanted to make sure you aren't waiting upstairs.
 
7:31 - he texts back:  Me too, where are you. I have my speedo on ;) I'm sexy.
 
I think, "Hmm, is that out of character?" I look up and there, strutting down the sidewalk is Colorado Steve. With a date. Wait. What is Colorado Steve doing in Southlake. And oh my freaking God, they're coming in here.
 
I have an adrenaline spike and I'm in flight mode to the ladies room and I'm texting the whole way- Are you upstairs?
 
I'm in the bathroom still at 7:33 when I get "Yep, I'm waiting for you :), not"
 
I leave the bathroom, heart pumping like crazy, and ask the guy at the door if the gentleman in blue had gone upstairs and he confirmed that he had. So, I'm standing on the sidewalk wondering if I'm going to have to go upstairs and face both TubaDad and Colorado Steve. That won't be awkward. No, not awkward at all.
 
7:35 - this texts arrives: Hmmm, I have an upstairs, could be interesting, but I don't ride motorcycles on the first date.
 
And that's when I nearly throw up and pass out right there on the sidewalk in Southlake because of the realization that I've been texting TheVoice, not TubaDad.
 
So there I was. Waiting for TubaDad, erroneously texting TheVoice when the last person I expect to see, Colorado Steve, walks up with a date sending me into a heart pumping, head spinning frenzy where I am now expecting to throw up and pass out at any moment when TubaDad shows up, TheVoice is still texting me wondering what the hell kind of nut job I am and Colorado Steve is in Texas with a date at the same restaurant where I'm supposed to be on date!
 
The only thing that could have been funnier is if the other 13 men that I've dated in the last 8 months had shown up, I actually did throw up and then passed out. That would have been hilarious. But thankfully, that did not happen.

No Drinking, No Smoking, and No Follow Through

Would it bother you if your date could not drink alcohol? I didn't think it would bother me but when Mr. No Drink and I met for dinner I felt awkward.

I arrived at the restaurant first and ordered myself a beer. He showed up and we got a table and had dinner.

There wasn't anything out of the ordinary about him. He was cute. He had a hard childhood and lived with foster parents from the age of about 15 or so. He has never been married and has no children.

The funniest part of our date was when he told me about another lady he dated. It went something like this:

They had a nice evening and agreed to see each other again the next night but the next night our area was under extreme storm advisory so they agreed to reschedule. Mr. No Drink decided to stay home and was flipping through the channels. He landed on TVLand and a new reality show High School Reunion.

Lo and behold, there is the girl he had just been on a date with the night before. He described it as being surreal. Maybe he could have handled the fact that she had been on a reality tv show if she hadn't been the most hated of the group.

I laughed through his whole story. It was very entertaining. Needless to say he called her and said he was a little bit more private than that and declined to see her further.

We continued our date to try to find some live music. I don't know about your area but around here that usually includes a smoky bar. You know, where they serve alcohol. Okay, whatever. I have a designated driver. Yay me.

We ended at a bar where music was suppose to play soon but it was during the NFL playoffs and Mr. No Drink was also Mr. No Sports. He didn't follow them. What? Really?

While I'm not interested in dating someone that has their life ruled by every football game possible, I think I want him to at least follow one team. I like football.

The music never started and the couple that sat down next to us started smoking and this sent Mr. I Can't Smell Like Smoke into a tissy.

He tried to push through and we wandered up the street to a few places but we couldn't find any music and he could only smell himself smell like smoke. Date over. He couldn't take it anymore.

We communicated a bit through text and email the next day and he said he wanted to see me again and I told him my schedule but he never suggested anything so we didn't do anything. And any possibility floated off into space.

Am I weird to want the man to plan to see me in the beginning? Is that so bad?

Mr. No resurfaced 4 months later. Email. Text. Invitation to get together on Friday. He will call this week to confirm plans. And then. I never hear from him.

Until 4:00pm on Friday.

Hello? Really?

Sorry, Mr. No but when I didn't hear from you by Friday morning I made other plans.

And, my aunt and I had a lovely dinner together.

Evan vs. God- Who are you going to believe?

Have you ever met someone that you were so attracted to that you couldn't talk at all?

Well, I wasn't that ga-ga over Crazy, Sexy Jim but I was damn close.

He was tall, dark and handsome. Really tall. Broad shoulders and a warm smile. Cute, cute smile.

We met at a restaurant and had dinner and drinks. It was just before Christmas and the town was decorated for the holidays. We strolled down the street together chatting on our way to another bar where a band was playing.

We talked and laughed a lot. And later in the date we kissed a lot. And then kissed some more.

I told him about word vomiting all over Mr. Sutherland and asked him to just tell me to be quiet if I got going on a roll. He told me about the time a girl got really drunk and threw up in her car that he had to drive her home in. I promised him I would not throw up on him.

I would get up to go to the bathroom and when I would come back out he would be standing up looking toward me with that big, wide smile. Talk about making a girls legs melt into butter. I was a walking heart attack.

Sounds perfect, right? Second date material, right?

There were texts that followed the first date but they all went to the sexy, teasing side and any invitation for getting together was for me to come over to his house after his kids had gone to bed. At my age, being a booty call, even if the booty call is at 4pm just isn't going to happen. He may have had more luck if he had started with a date and not a text.

I have a conversation with my dating coach, Evan, except I'm not paying Evan so I have to make up his side of the conversation.

Me: Evan, is he interested in me or just having sex with me?
E: Sounds like he's just interested in having sex with you?
Me: But Evan, we had such great chemistry.
E: So. Where has that gotten you? Has he asked you out on a real second date?
Me: No.
E: So, why don't you believe me. He is showing you who he is.
Me: You're so stupid, Evan. You wouldn't even have met your wife online you hypocrite.

(I can say that about Evan because he says it himself.)

So, after a couple of weeks of doing this periodic text dance I found myself at church. And I do not go to church. Can't remember the last time I had been in there so I was a little worried about lightening. But it was a new year so I tried it. Luckily no one was hurt.

I sat there praying to God. Something else foreign to me. Asking him for peace. And as the service went on I asked God for a favor. I asked, "God, I'm going to text him to see if he has his kids tonight and if he doesn't, see if he would like to get together for coffee or a drink. If he doesn't have his kids and he says no then I have my answer as to what this is really about."

He didn't have his kids and he couldn't get together. And I never heard from him again.

And in the words of the dating coach that I'm not paying to be my dating coach, "So what! He's not the one for you."

Amen.

Your Date is Now Departing at Gate 32

Gate32Gary- a tall guy, salt & pepper hair, pretty blue eyes and a big teddy bear of a guy. Not fat but maybe a little chubby. He was just a big guy. He works for an airline company and his office was Gate 32 at the local airport.

Gate32 was kind of a mystery at first.

We met for drinks and dinner at a sports bar before I had a scheduled meeting with friends. He was nice. I enjoyed his company. We had a couple of beers and ate dinner and then he walked me to my car.

So, I get in my car and he's standing at the door and he says hey. I look up and he leans down into the car for a kiss. As I'm extending up and air bubble breeches my esophagus and I burp! A beer burp! Right in his face! Right in his freaking mouth.

And men wonder why I'm single!

I started cracking up and he says would stop and kiss me. I tried to stop but pretty much giggled through the kiss.

We agreed that we would see each other again where I reiterated that he had my phone number and we said goodnight.

And then.

He disappeared.

Reason #2 Online Dating is So Frustrating

I received this email today from HarvardBoy.

Hey,
I'm a media executive, just finished grad school at Stanford, did my undergrad at Harvard, and originally from southern Europe. I've got to say, you seem like an incredibly interesting and exciting person, at least according to your profile - not to mention one of the most beautiful girls I've seen in a long, long time.

I'd love to take you out sometime, and be bad with you :-)
Best,

M.

Oh yes. I have ask the Universe and prayed to God to send me my Soulmate- A 25 year old that just finished college that wants to be bad with me.

I'm starting to adopt Mr. Unbelieveable's favorite word as my own- REALLY!!

Does Being Persistent Make Me Look Gay

A long time ago- way back in October of 2009- I went on a date with TxBuckeye. We went to Top Golf and hit balls while getting to know each other.

TxBuckeye would have been 48 then. About 5' 9", glasses, bald, slender. Not bad looking.

I firmly believe that on most occasions, I'm not going to know someone with just one meeting. One date. Looking back on all of my serious relationships- they were friendships that grew into romance.

Kind of hard to do with online dating.

So, when TxBuckeye asked me out for dinner again- last minute I might add- I went.

He wanted me to meet him at his house because he was having a business meeting with an artist that he was acting as a Business Manager for.

I remember this date so specifically because I didn't want to wear my work clothes but I didn't have time to drive home either. So, I stopped at a TJ Maxx and purchased a new sweater and a new pair of jeans- which are one of my favorite pairs now.

And, then I went to his house. Don't lecture me! I went to his house.

His house was decorated to the T. The artist helped him decorate it. He had some pretty incredible art, too. Think Architectural Digest here! But the only thing I could think of was, "Oh my God, you are never coming to my un-styled, undecorated home. No way, Jose!"

That's not why I didn't want to continue seeing him though. The thing is he kept saying stuff like:

I asked my artist friend to decorate my house- but you know, for a straight guy.
Do you like this piece of artwork? Does it look like it belongs in a gay mans house?
I'm totally straight.

I got to the point where I thought to myself, "Who are you trying to convince? Me? Or you?"

I won't bore you with the details of our date because it was a pretty boring date. At the end of the night he kissed me. And ew! It was like kissing... I don't know what it was like kissing... worse than kissing my brother! That's the only cliche I can come up with. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!

So, why am I bringing up TxBuckeye 2 years later?

Periodically I change my user name on Match and it must unblock him (or maybe he changes his- not sure) and I get an email from him.  Like today.

How are you doing?


No one has swept you off your feet yet???

Hows the golf game? I've been trying to play more. We should play sometime?( Friends, I know you have no interest ) lol.

Going to Mavs game tonight.

How many times must I reject/ignore this poor guy? Why? Why does he keep contacting me? If you know I have no interest and I have ignored and blocked you time and again, WHY?

No, being persistent does not make you look gay. It makes you look.... you fill in the blank.

Reason #1 Online Dating is So Frustrating

Friday, June 3, 2011. I followed Evan's (Mr. Dating Coach) advice about contacting men. Try to be funny. It's just as oogey to men when women say, "You're really cute. Wanna chat." Saying that you like their profile is redundant because if you didn't like their profile you wouldn't be emailing them.

I'm trying, Evan. Damn it, I trying.

Here is my exact email: His profile is in blue and my response is in red.

Headline: My new favorite word is "REALLY!!"

If you're usually late to everything, you're not for me. I hate being late and hate when it happens but when it does try to take it in stride. It never fails that traffic is backed up when I'm trying to get home to get somewhere fun.
If alcohol is a normal part of your life style, you're not for me. I'd be as big as a house if it was. I like to have a drink but I'm too old to be drunk. It hurts too much the next day.

If you wouldn't date a guy who lives in a trailer, you're not for me. (I don't, but I would live in a trailer) Do I have to live in trailer? I could see where it would be okay next to a beach and no kids lived in it with me. Maybe not in hurricane season.

If you don't have a job or can't get one, you're not for me. All set here. I'm very dependable at my job. Even on snow days and 20 mile commute.
If you take more than 40min. to get ready for anything, you're not for me. 25 minutes if I don't have to shower. Closer to 40 if I do but I'm pretty quick for a girl.

If you don't like kids, you're not for me. I have two monsters of my own. I love watching them develop their relationship. It's very sweet.

If you don't like sports, you're not for me. Professional Football is my favorite but my boys play soccer which is good, too. I'm a nail biter when watching. I also love hockey but hate when the refs don't let them fight.

If you don't like the lake, you're not for me. As long as the weather is warm! Any water source is good in my book.

If you used to smoke and quit, you're probably not for me (I don't want to worry about you starting again) I tried to be a smoker when I was 15. Didn't have what it takes.

If you think you're always right, you're not for me. I've gotten very good at saying, "I was wrong!"

If you refuse to eat at fast food resturants, you're not for me. Chicfila? Taco Bell? Schlotzky's? But I think I've become a burger snob! (ps. that's his typo not mine in resturants.)

If my house is cleaner than your house, you're not for me. How clean is your house? I don't live in a hoarders house or anything but there are days I feel like I can't keep up! Maids! That's the answer.

If you can't be spontaneous, you're not for me. I'm a horrible planner. I get it from my mother.

BUT--
If you're gorgeous and kind, send me a message. I can claim kind with confidence. And kind of goofy once you get to know me. And while I don't think I'm chopped liver in the looks department, gorgeous is subjective to the viewer.

If grilling in the backyard on a summer afternoon sounds good to you, send me a message. It's my favorite place. What are you grilling?

If you can handle company coming over last minute, send me a message. As in you being company or friends coming over for company? This is a trick question, I think. I wish more friends would just drop by like in the good old days.

If you don't like fighting, send me a message. I'm horrible at confict. I hate debate. There just isn't that much worth fighting about- REALLY!
If you understand that I will forget some significant dates and won't hold it against me, send me a message. They have these new fangled phones where you can program dates in and the phone will remind you!

***********
Baggage and drama are not my favorite items to deal with, but at this age and stage in life, not many of us are going to be baggage and drama free. I prefer to deal with it on an "as needed" basis and try not to let it control my life. I try to limit my baggage to an overnight bag and not the steamer trunk.

I am not into instant commitments, but I don't mind getting together and see where it goes. I have realized that I will never know someone over one date and they will not know me either. If friendships can be built, the rest will follow or not. :)

Now- after responding to all of that I can't help wonder if a positive spin would be better:

If you're on time, you're for me. If you're spontaneous, you're for me.... what do you think?

Happy Friday, Mr Unbelievable.

Unbelievable is in his profile name.

Are you bored yet? Do you want to read his response?

Well, here it is:

Thanks for the email and response. Your a pretty good sport and it was thoughtful of you to answer every question. Thank you.
I cancelled my membership, but it was paid up for a few months so I decided to change my profile story to a more flip-ed style for the heck of it. I wanted to see what would happen and I really didn't care if anyone liked it or not and I really didn't expect any positive responses. I have been surprised at how many people respond to it.

Anyway, your a good distance away but thanks again for checking in with me.

Good luck to you

Evan? Evan? Evan!! I know, Evan. Evan says, "So what! He's not the one for you." Well, I know that's what Evan would say if I had $3,000 for him to be my dating coach which I don't so I have to just make Evan up myself.

Here's a clue men. If you are not really looking but you paid for your membership they have this wonderful button called HIDE YOUR FRENCHING PROFILE and then sweet, funny girls like me won't waste their time emailing you!

Sigh.

I wanted to email Mr. Unbelievable back and yell him but I chose this response instead:
wha, wha, wha! :) I can't help but wonder if your new favorite word is because women email it back to you. Ha.

Thanks for the email back. This makes great content for my dating blog!

Good luck to you, too.

And that, my friends, is Reason #1 why online dating is frustrating.

But what happened to Cartoon Head?

There were lots of little things other than his cartoon voice and his cartoon head that bothered me...

He had a kid but never married the mom. Maybe it wasn't his choice to not get married. I don't know.

He drove a van. You know. The kind with a bed in it.

He claimed that he used it for his windsurfing gear. In November? You drove your Windsurfing Gear Holding Fold Down Bed In The Back Van to a date in November?

I'm just making that part up. I don't know if there was a bed in it because I never got in the van but that's how my single girls brain works. I mean, how can it not work like that when all your security guard friends want to run background checks on everyone you meet and your more skeptical aquaintances are always warning you about all the evil that goes on out there. I would probably just shoot myself with pepperspray thereby helping my attacker.

But, the van was not his downfall.

We met just before the Thanksgiving holiday. I then travelled home to my parents house for the big turkey day. On Thanksgiving day, I was standing in my old room blow drying my hair and my phone was chiming off it's little hook with Happy Thanksgiving texts. People! Send me a card!

So Cartoon Head sends me a text. I turn off the blow dryer to check it.
I text him back. I turn on the blow dryer.
He sends me another text. I turn off the blow dryer to check it.
I text him back. I turn on the blow dryer.
He sends me another text. I turn off the blow dryer to check it.

Not irritating at all along with the other 50 Happy Thanksgiving texts that I was getting.

Our conversation ended like this:
Cartoon Head: I'm really looking forward to seeing you when you get back in town.
Me: Sounds good.
Cartoon Head: uh-oh. :( you didn't say you were looking forward to it.

The End.

Smoking Babies

Just before Thanksgiving I planned to meet a man at Tolbert's in Grapevine. We had spoken on the phone a couple of times and I wasn't crazy about his voice.

I have discovered that I'm attracted to a mans tone of voice.

But, I am trying to give men a fair chance, you know?

So, we planned to meet on a Friday night at Tolbert's in Grapevine. My work friends had decided to go to happy hour and they don't usually stay that long so I didn't think time would be an issue. But, of course, that night my co-workers were a lot of fun and I really didn't want to go. Was this a bad sign?

We texted each other and I told him I was running late to which he was fine with as he was also at happy hour with his friends.

We met at Tolbert's and I remember thinking- wow, he kind of has a cartoon head. You know, a big head and face on a small frame. Kind of like a walking characterture. I texted my friend and said as much.

Stop, Hope!

Deep breath. Happy thought. Open your mind and your heart. He could be a really nice guy.

We had a beer there and he said he wanted to walk across the street to Wilhoite's.

Wilhoite's is known as being a biker bar. If you go there and sit inside, you can plan to smoke a pack of cigarettes. Even if  you don't smoke. Seriously, the following day my throat was scratchy and I did feel like I had personally chain smoked two pack of Camels. No filter.

We make our way to the loft area where a friendly lady meets us at the top of the stairs where she announces, "Hi. My name is Sheila (I'm making that up. I can't remember her name) and today is birthday and this is my party."

We smile and say, "Oh, well happy birthday!"

Sheila: You can sit up here with us but you have to buy me a beer.

Me: Oh well great. My cartoon friend here would love to buy you a beer. What are you drinking?

And we find a table to sit at, order her a beer and continue our date of getting to know each other.

I don't really remember much about what we talked about but this part of the night is very clear. We're sitting there and I look over at the pool table area and right there in the middle of Wilhoite's is a baby. A little, tiny, brand new baby.

I immediately pull out the Sweet Home Alabama line used by Reese Witherspoon, "You have a baby. In a bar."

Sheila comes over to collect her beer and I guess she sees us eyeing the baby because she says, "Did you see my grandson over there? He's eight days old. And he so cute and healthy."

Me: Wow! Eight days old. That is great. You must love being a grandmother.

Cartoon Head and I look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief. Sweet 8 Days Old won't be healthy for long if you keep bringing him to Wilhoite's.

Tennessee

My boys and I were at Braum's getting ice cream to celebrate the end of another great year in school. A man approaches me. He's about 5' 10" or so. Short brown hair. Um- not attractive but not the Elephant Man either.

He says: Excuse me ma'am, are you from Tennessee?

I say: No.

He says: Well I've been looking all around here and you're the only ten I see.

Ha.

Ha. Ha.

And thankfully he walks off.

Being Snarky is Not Good on a First Date

Have you ever had one of those days that no matter what people do they just get under your skin? You're completely laughing that you're irritated and definitely deflecting with sarcasm so when people don't know you they think you're - well - they think you're a complete bitch!

Have you ever had one of those days?

Enter Mr. Sutherland. I call him that because he worked at Sutherland's. He did not have a photo attached to his profile for the reason that he claims that ladies in office were online as well and he didn't want them to see him on Match. com.

He sent me a nice email and offered to send me his photos. And surprisingly, Mr. Sutherland is cute. We trade emails and talk on the phone and decide to meet for dinner. So, just to note- he was cute and he was nice.

We had a drink in the bar first and then were seated for dinner.

I can't remember exactly what all the conversations were about but what I remember most was that at some point I started talking.

And talking.

And talking.

And in my head I could hear, "Shut Up, Hope!"

But I couldn't! I just couldn't stop talking!

Maybe if I had been talking about how passionate I was about painting or blogging or hell, even how much I loved to throw darts it would have been alright. But, it wasn't. It was about how I hated snow. And how I was so turned off by my cousins "Super Christian" status. And which family members I liked and which ones I didn't like. And I think I threw in how hard it was to be a mom and why didn't anyone tell you BEFORE you had kids how hard it was! Why? Why doesn't anyone tell you how hard it is to raise kids? And why! Why in hell couldn't I just SHUT UP!

He inquired about my bracelets. That's my thing. You know, a signature piece. I have one that my friend gave me that has a medallion attached to it that says luck. Another bracelet was a Mother's Day Gift. The third bracelet was a simple band with a silver band that said Positivity on it. Kind of funny since most of what I was saying was all negative!

I was Negative Nancy who word vomited all over him! And, that's not usually who I am. Maybe once a quarter or so I get snarky and spout off but usually I'm pretty quiet. At least until you get to know me. Not on a first date!

I woke up Friday morning pulling the Homer Simpson, "DOH!" and I knew I would not be Mrs. Sutherland.

At the end of the evening, Mr. Sutherland was kind enough to kiss me goodnight even after I word vomited all over him. But guess what. I couldn't shut up even then!

I had a mint in my mouth and I think I said something like, "I feel like a squirrel."

"And I hate squirrels."

How Many Times...

Can you restart a blog?

I started this blog when I was on eHarmony in 2009/2010. But it was super negative and I felt like I was taunting the world of Law of Attraction and that's why eHarmony wasn't sending me any wonderful matches.

Back history: Began eHarmony in October of 2009. Met Darts in February of 2010. Turned off eHarmony to date Darts. Dated Darts until October of 2010. Darts and I broke up. I turned eHarmony back on. Did a lot of soul searching. Joined Match.com instead. And that kind of brings us to today.

I don't want this to be a man-bashing, negative site but online dating is kind of funny when you look back at it. It's a part time job. And, as Evan (a dating coach) says, "It isn't easy!"

I counted the number of men I've gone on dates with in the last 8 months- 14!

So, funny. Not negative.

Hopeful. Not doubtful.

I believe there is someone wonderful out there searching for me just like I am searching for him and I will search through all the men necessary to find him.

Let the fun begin.

Who is Hope?

My real name is not Hope.

But, I have hope of finding a successful, wonderful relationship through online dating.

This is my story.