On July 19th, which was only day 36, I posed the question "What are the chances that my online dating days are over?" It was only 36 days in so it was kind of a long shot. All kinds of things could of happened and all kinds of GOOD things have happened.
On Day 110 we went to church and Pastor John talked to us about our secret baggage and how it creates anxiety in our lives. I thought of my secret baggage. Mother frencher. I could rationalize that it wasn't secret baggage all I wanted because my friends know and I've already asked for forgiveness for that secret baggage and I've forgiven myself, but the truth is if TubaDad doesn't know then it's secret baggage. Maybe it's not the steamer trunk it once was but it was now a small purse. A very heavy small purse.
I decided I need to consult with the person I know loves Jesus the most. My friend, Leah. I told here what Sundays message was and asked her what she thought. She confirmed my gut feeling and told me that I needed to tell TubaDad.
So, I might as well admit it here, too. It can only free me that much more. See, my marriage was crumbling all around me and there was tiny thread wrapped around my wrist and I was barely holding on for lots of reasons. So when a man in my office started showing me attention and giving me the emotional support I so desperately needed, I let go of the string and clung to him. In less cryptic or poetic talk- I had an affair. And I continued that affair after I was divorced. He was married, too. I'm not justifying my actions or making excuses. What I did was wrong. But it happened and I can't change it now.
What I can do is tell you that I learned a very big lesson the most difficult way possible and I never, ever want to be in that position again. It's the most self-destructive, insecure, hurtful, depressing roller coaster of a ride a person can be on. I was immature and deceitful and that's not who I want to be.
I texted TubaDad on day 113 and asked him if he would come over after the boys went to bed. He really didn't want to. The man works so hard, I don't blame him. I told him I could wait until Thursday (date night) to tell him about my secret baggage but when he found out what it was about he knew we needed to get it behind us. And, he didn't want to wonder for the next 2 days what the hell my secret baggage was all about.
I was grateful because I certainly didn't want to keep practicing what I was going to tell him and worrying about how he would respond. Without airing too much of his business, this is where it became complicated for me because his marriage ended due to an affair. Not his. Hers.
Moving on.
He came over and with him sitting on a bar stool and me standing in his arms so I don't have to look him in his eyes and I tell him.
Our body temperatures must of gone up 175 degrees. Or, maybe it was just me.
Long story short, the man is a saint.
He said he could ask me a bunch of questions but that wouldn't do either of us any good. He told me he still loved me and he wasn't going to worry about what happened out of his control before 113 days ago.
I, of course, was in tears. Not big sobbing, ugly tears but tears all the same. They were both tears of relief that he didn't get angry with me and tears of sadness for having to relive that chapter of my life again. And where does all that snot come from when you cry? Ew.
He told me not to worry. We hugged good night, we've texted and talked on the phone the last couple of days, and tonight is date night. Can someone please make time go by faster for the next 3 - 4 hours?
Here I am on day 115 and I'm going to pose the question again.
What are the chances that my online dating days are over? If I have anything to do with it, they're 100% over. Best 115 days of my life!
I was going to end it there but some of you girls need this next statement:
No, he's hasn't popped the question or anything close to that but this man is the O-N-E. The one for me.
