Two months have gone by since I've last posted.
That's exactly 61 days.
And today is Day 176 of:
Hope + TubaDad
equalling
L. O. V. E.
Can you say happy, happy girl?
I can! Happy, happy girl!
I just wanted to update and say that all is wonderful and the honeymoon phase is still going strong.
May it never, never end!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Exposing your secret baggage will set you free.
On July 19th, which was only day 36, I posed the question "What are the chances that my online dating days are over?" It was only 36 days in so it was kind of a long shot. All kinds of things could of happened and all kinds of GOOD things have happened.
On Day 110 we went to church and Pastor John talked to us about our secret baggage and how it creates anxiety in our lives. I thought of my secret baggage. Mother frencher. I could rationalize that it wasn't secret baggage all I wanted because my friends know and I've already asked for forgiveness for that secret baggage and I've forgiven myself, but the truth is if TubaDad doesn't know then it's secret baggage. Maybe it's not the steamer trunk it once was but it was now a small purse. A very heavy small purse.
I decided I need to consult with the person I know loves Jesus the most. My friend, Leah. I told here what Sundays message was and asked her what she thought. She confirmed my gut feeling and told me that I needed to tell TubaDad.
So, I might as well admit it here, too. It can only free me that much more. See, my marriage was crumbling all around me and there was tiny thread wrapped around my wrist and I was barely holding on for lots of reasons. So when a man in my office started showing me attention and giving me the emotional support I so desperately needed, I let go of the string and clung to him. In less cryptic or poetic talk- I had an affair. And I continued that affair after I was divorced. He was married, too. I'm not justifying my actions or making excuses. What I did was wrong. But it happened and I can't change it now.
What I can do is tell you that I learned a very big lesson the most difficult way possible and I never, ever want to be in that position again. It's the most self-destructive, insecure, hurtful, depressing roller coaster of a ride a person can be on. I was immature and deceitful and that's not who I want to be.
I texted TubaDad on day 113 and asked him if he would come over after the boys went to bed. He really didn't want to. The man works so hard, I don't blame him. I told him I could wait until Thursday (date night) to tell him about my secret baggage but when he found out what it was about he knew we needed to get it behind us. And, he didn't want to wonder for the next 2 days what the hell my secret baggage was all about.
I was grateful because I certainly didn't want to keep practicing what I was going to tell him and worrying about how he would respond. Without airing too much of his business, this is where it became complicated for me because his marriage ended due to an affair. Not his. Hers.
Moving on.
He came over and with him sitting on a bar stool and me standing in his arms so I don't have to look him in his eyes and I tell him.
Our body temperatures must of gone up 175 degrees. Or, maybe it was just me.
Long story short, the man is a saint.
He said he could ask me a bunch of questions but that wouldn't do either of us any good. He told me he still loved me and he wasn't going to worry about what happened out of his control before 113 days ago.
I, of course, was in tears. Not big sobbing, ugly tears but tears all the same. They were both tears of relief that he didn't get angry with me and tears of sadness for having to relive that chapter of my life again. And where does all that snot come from when you cry? Ew.
He told me not to worry. We hugged good night, we've texted and talked on the phone the last couple of days, and tonight is date night. Can someone please make time go by faster for the next 3 - 4 hours?
Here I am on day 115 and I'm going to pose the question again.
What are the chances that my online dating days are over? If I have anything to do with it, they're 100% over. Best 115 days of my life!
I was going to end it there but some of you girls need this next statement:
No, he's hasn't popped the question or anything close to that but this man is the O-N-E. The one for me.
On Day 110 we went to church and Pastor John talked to us about our secret baggage and how it creates anxiety in our lives. I thought of my secret baggage. Mother frencher. I could rationalize that it wasn't secret baggage all I wanted because my friends know and I've already asked for forgiveness for that secret baggage and I've forgiven myself, but the truth is if TubaDad doesn't know then it's secret baggage. Maybe it's not the steamer trunk it once was but it was now a small purse. A very heavy small purse.
I decided I need to consult with the person I know loves Jesus the most. My friend, Leah. I told here what Sundays message was and asked her what she thought. She confirmed my gut feeling and told me that I needed to tell TubaDad.
So, I might as well admit it here, too. It can only free me that much more. See, my marriage was crumbling all around me and there was tiny thread wrapped around my wrist and I was barely holding on for lots of reasons. So when a man in my office started showing me attention and giving me the emotional support I so desperately needed, I let go of the string and clung to him. In less cryptic or poetic talk- I had an affair. And I continued that affair after I was divorced. He was married, too. I'm not justifying my actions or making excuses. What I did was wrong. But it happened and I can't change it now.
What I can do is tell you that I learned a very big lesson the most difficult way possible and I never, ever want to be in that position again. It's the most self-destructive, insecure, hurtful, depressing roller coaster of a ride a person can be on. I was immature and deceitful and that's not who I want to be.
I texted TubaDad on day 113 and asked him if he would come over after the boys went to bed. He really didn't want to. The man works so hard, I don't blame him. I told him I could wait until Thursday (date night) to tell him about my secret baggage but when he found out what it was about he knew we needed to get it behind us. And, he didn't want to wonder for the next 2 days what the hell my secret baggage was all about.
I was grateful because I certainly didn't want to keep practicing what I was going to tell him and worrying about how he would respond. Without airing too much of his business, this is where it became complicated for me because his marriage ended due to an affair. Not his. Hers.
Moving on.
He came over and with him sitting on a bar stool and me standing in his arms so I don't have to look him in his eyes and I tell him.
Our body temperatures must of gone up 175 degrees. Or, maybe it was just me.
Long story short, the man is a saint.
He said he could ask me a bunch of questions but that wouldn't do either of us any good. He told me he still loved me and he wasn't going to worry about what happened out of his control before 113 days ago.
I, of course, was in tears. Not big sobbing, ugly tears but tears all the same. They were both tears of relief that he didn't get angry with me and tears of sadness for having to relive that chapter of my life again. And where does all that snot come from when you cry? Ew.
He told me not to worry. We hugged good night, we've texted and talked on the phone the last couple of days, and tonight is date night. Can someone please make time go by faster for the next 3 - 4 hours?
Here I am on day 115 and I'm going to pose the question again.
What are the chances that my online dating days are over? If I have anything to do with it, they're 100% over. Best 115 days of my life!
I was going to end it there but some of you girls need this next statement:
No, he's hasn't popped the question or anything close to that but this man is the O-N-E. The one for me.
Friday, September 30, 2011
4 Boys and 1 Girl on a Date.
I was completely outnumbered and I loved it.
And no, it wasn't some kinky date. Get your minds out of the gutter.
And no, it wasn't some kinky date. Get your minds out of the gutter.
Last Saturday evening, TubaDad and TubaPlayer came over and took me and my two monsters to dinner and a movie. It was fun to watch.
TubaPlayer came in and hugged me and then both monsters approached and everyone shook hands at introductions. It was all very formal for 9, 10 and 13 year old boys.
We went to Fuzzy's Tacos and the line to order was long and the restaurant was crowded. The boys went off to secure us a table. TubaDad and I canoodled in line and placed our order then went to see where we were sitting on the patio. Well, I guess the boys were so caught up in getting to know each other- how old are you, what grade are you in, what sports do you play, isn't our parents kissing gross (I made that one up) - they did a horrible job at getting us a table. The got a half surf-board table that sat 3. Hello? Where are your parents suppose to sit?
Luckily, TubaDad saw an opportunity inside and ran in and procured it for us. The boys sat at one end while TubaDad and I sat across from each other at the other end. I don't remember what the boys were talking about but TubaDad was going to interject a comment but the boys were so involved in talking to each other we might as well not have been there it all. TubaDad looked at me and said, "I got shut out." It made me laugh and while it was kind of sad that they weren't paying attention to TubaDad, I thought it was great that they were getting along so well.
After dinner we drove over to a theater that was featuring Moneyball at 8:15pm but when we got there it was sold out. We drove over to another theater for a later showing. And again, mostly TubaDad and I didn't exist. They just hammed it up with each other. Jumping and swinging on tree branches, having a foot race, asking all kinds of questions, playing video games together, going to the concessions together, and so on.
It. Was. Greatness.
It was late when the movie ended but we all made it through. We all laughed about the ending and when we got back to my house TubaDad and TubaPlayer skedaddled out there pretty quickly. I hugged my man. Then, I hugged the TubaPlayer and the boy monster's first meeting was a success.
But I expected no less. We both have good monsters.
TubaDad told me that when the two of them got to the drop off point that TubaPlayer announced to his mom and sister- "I got to meet Hope's boys."
Alright! We made the Report.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I met my boyfriend's teenage children and were they brutal! Damn!
Just kidding about the title. I am happy to report that Meet the Teenager's went fine.
They weren't super talkative or inquisitive or extremely one way or the other. I wasn't either.
We all just allowed ourselves to be in the same space. And, for me, it was very nice. I hope it was fine for them, too.
TubaPlayer has the "Hey Dad" syndrome that I know as the "Hey Mom" syndrome at my house and it made me smile.
The Daughter was quiet and has TubaDad's right cheek dimples that I love so much.
One of my favorite moments was after church when we were driving over to the store when George Strait's song "Here for a Good Time" came on the radio. The two of them were singing along in the back seat and I can't explain why but it was the sweetest of moments. I could have lived that moment forever. I have been humming this song all day today.
My second favorite moments were the hugs. TubaDad's mom made The Daughter come down to hug me goodbye as she was spending the night with her grandparents. TubaPlayer gave me a hug a goodbye, too.
And even better- he gave TubaDad his approval after I left.
They weren't super talkative or inquisitive or extremely one way or the other. I wasn't either.
We all just allowed ourselves to be in the same space. And, for me, it was very nice. I hope it was fine for them, too.
TubaPlayer has the "Hey Dad" syndrome that I know as the "Hey Mom" syndrome at my house and it made me smile.
The Daughter was quiet and has TubaDad's right cheek dimples that I love so much.
One of my favorite moments was after church when we were driving over to the store when George Strait's song "Here for a Good Time" came on the radio. The two of them were singing along in the back seat and I can't explain why but it was the sweetest of moments. I could have lived that moment forever. I have been humming this song all day today.
My second favorite moments were the hugs. TubaDad's mom made The Daughter come down to hug me goodbye as she was spending the night with her grandparents. TubaPlayer gave me a hug a goodbye, too.
And even better- he gave TubaDad his approval after I left.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day 83 - I. Am. Freaking. Out.
No, today is not day 83. Sunday is day 83. And why am I freaking out about day 83? Well, because I'm going to meet the love of my life's offspring! If they were two 10 year old boys I would totally know what to do. But they're a 14 year old girl and 13 year old boy. Yikes! Teenagers!
Deep breaths. Happy thoughts.
They're going to totally love me. I mean, what's not to love? I'm freaking cool. Even if I was a band geek. But hey! Everyone was in the band! Really! Everyone!
I digress.
Really, I'm just excited.
But nervous.
And excited.
I guess I really just want them to like me as much as my boys liked TubaDad. What's not to like about a guy who throws the football and Frisbee with you, or plays a Wii tournament with you, or wrestles in the pool with you? But I think he had it WAY easier. 10 year old kids are so much more forgiving! So easy to please! I mean all you have to do is be kind of silly and you're cool.
The current plan is that we're all going to go to church together so I won't even have to talk during that hour. Thank you, God! Then, we're going to go over to his parents house for a little Sunday afternoon gathering. So, I'll have extended family that I've already met to help buffer so I really have nothing to be nervous about. Right?
Unless I accidentally drop an F bomb. Or, if I happen to get snarky and they don't get sarcasm. Or, I word vomit all over them. Or, or, or... I accidentally burp really loud! Or pass gas!
F-Bomb!
I. Am. Freaking. Out.
PS It will be fine. I know it will. Because I'm F-bombing cool. Fo Shizzle. Do they still say that? Maybe I should just listen.
Deep breaths. Happy thoughts.
They're going to totally love me. I mean, what's not to love? I'm freaking cool. Even if I was a band geek. But hey! Everyone was in the band! Really! Everyone!
I digress.
Really, I'm just excited.
But nervous.
And excited.
I guess I really just want them to like me as much as my boys liked TubaDad. What's not to like about a guy who throws the football and Frisbee with you, or plays a Wii tournament with you, or wrestles in the pool with you? But I think he had it WAY easier. 10 year old kids are so much more forgiving! So easy to please! I mean all you have to do is be kind of silly and you're cool.
The current plan is that we're all going to go to church together so I won't even have to talk during that hour. Thank you, God! Then, we're going to go over to his parents house for a little Sunday afternoon gathering. So, I'll have extended family that I've already met to help buffer so I really have nothing to be nervous about. Right?
Unless I accidentally drop an F bomb. Or, if I happen to get snarky and they don't get sarcasm. Or, I word vomit all over them. Or, or, or... I accidentally burp really loud! Or pass gas!
F-Bomb!
I. Am. Freaking. Out.
PS It will be fine. I know it will. Because I'm F-bombing cool. Fo Shizzle. Do they still say that? Maybe I should just listen.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
My worlds collided and it was the best show ever. I'm so glad I had front row seats to see it!
It was day 69 and Dulce de TubaDad and I had just spent a wonderful weekend together. But that afternoon I set out for a week long painting workshop that I had signed up for in February. It was something I had been looking forward to since then. And though I was excited, I also felt a bit melancholy leaving the loves of my life.
The two reasons that I get up everyday for the past (almost) 11 years were starting back to school and I was going to miss their first week. What kind of mother misses the first week of their kids school year. This one. Mother of the Year, right here. But this painting workshop was important to me. It is important that I develop this skill for myself. So, I booked a week of vacation from my paying job, I left my two boys to start the 4th and 5th grade in the hands of their father, I kissed the man I love goodbye and set out on my journey ready to be inspired to be a better painter.
Don't get me wrong. Though I felt the twinges of guilt I was excited to be submerging myself in paint for the next 5 days.
While I was at the workshop I supplemented my love addiction with texts and phone calls and using my new love for inspirations in my art. For example, you may have read my post about the number 14. It is now a staple in my paintings.
But let's get to the worlds colliding, okay? That's why I'm really here.
On day 74, I was more than ready to see my 3 men. The boys returned home after a hot soccer practice and I thoroughly enjoyed their stories. It felt good to be home with them. I was just missing one piece of my pie. Or Cheesecake in this case. Dulce de TubaDad.
At 8pm, he was still at work and I could feel him wavering through text about coming over that evening. Not in a sense that he didn't want to meet them but I think he wanted it to be right. I couldn't think of a better time. It was getting dark. They were swimming and having a good time. No pressure to sit and converse and spill you life story. And they would be going to bed soon enough.
At about 8:30, in the dusk of a hot August Friday night, the burning flame of a man that has confiscated my heart crashed into the two lives that I gave birth to and at that moment and the ones following my world felt completely perfect.
My boys usually entertain themselves playing and there is little interaction with me beyond the occassional "Mom, watch this." But this night, they were engaged. Not with me but with Dulce de TubaDad .
My heart swelled and my love tank overflowed spilling all over my backyard watching the three of them get to know each other.
It was a... Very. Beautiful. Thing.
The two reasons that I get up everyday for the past (almost) 11 years were starting back to school and I was going to miss their first week. What kind of mother misses the first week of their kids school year. This one. Mother of the Year, right here. But this painting workshop was important to me. It is important that I develop this skill for myself. So, I booked a week of vacation from my paying job, I left my two boys to start the 4th and 5th grade in the hands of their father, I kissed the man I love goodbye and set out on my journey ready to be inspired to be a better painter.
Don't get me wrong. Though I felt the twinges of guilt I was excited to be submerging myself in paint for the next 5 days.
While I was at the workshop I supplemented my love addiction with texts and phone calls and using my new love for inspirations in my art. For example, you may have read my post about the number 14. It is now a staple in my paintings.
But let's get to the worlds colliding, okay? That's why I'm really here.
On day 74, I was more than ready to see my 3 men. The boys returned home after a hot soccer practice and I thoroughly enjoyed their stories. It felt good to be home with them. I was just missing one piece of my pie. Or Cheesecake in this case. Dulce de TubaDad.
At 8pm, he was still at work and I could feel him wavering through text about coming over that evening. Not in a sense that he didn't want to meet them but I think he wanted it to be right. I couldn't think of a better time. It was getting dark. They were swimming and having a good time. No pressure to sit and converse and spill you life story. And they would be going to bed soon enough.
At about 8:30, in the dusk of a hot August Friday night, the burning flame of a man that has confiscated my heart crashed into the two lives that I gave birth to and at that moment and the ones following my world felt completely perfect.
My boys usually entertain themselves playing and there is little interaction with me beyond the occassional "Mom, watch this." But this night, they were engaged. Not with me but with Dulce de TubaDad .
My heart swelled and my love tank overflowed spilling all over my backyard watching the three of them get to know each other.
It was a... Very. Beautiful. Thing.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Didn't you just love when iPods came out and you could put all your photos on them? I did!
This story is from the dating vault. It took place in the fall of 2008. The Internet is a wonderful thing. It connects people- complete strangers- that live far, far away or even right here in the same area as you. I had been skimming Match.com but did not want to pay the money to be a member. I read a funny, funny profile and he was able to sneak in his MySpace address.
Anyone remember MySpace?
Well, I had a MySpace profile and I emailed him through MySpace. I told him I didn't think that we were a romantic match but that I thought his profile was hilarious. We exchanged emails and one Friday he emailed me and asked me out to a Ryan Adams concert.
It was that night! I didn't have anything to do so I said yes. I was also in my work clothes without time to go home to change. I'm no dummy. I went shopping.
I walked out of the store wearing my new clothes with the nice warning from the Sales Clerk that the place I was meeting him at made very strong drinks. Be careful!
The conversation was going along fine when his ex calls. He had a little boy. He had left the little tyke with his Grandma and the ex was just getting in from a vacation with her new boyfriend and was ready to see the little angel. Ms. Ex was not happy that my date was not around to deliver said angel. There was some discussion about it at the table. Followed by an apology.
I'm pretty sure that was my first red flag.
We continue talking and it's time for us to go to the concert. We decide that he is safe enough for me to ride with and we go. On the way he decides he needs to call Ms. Ex back. We're in a car. I'm trapped here. So, in an effort to not eaves drop which is impossible I pick up his iPod and start scrolling through it.
It was a new iPod for the time- you know one with photos loaded on it. I started scrolling through the pictures. There's a picture of his little tow headed angel. Aw. And there's the little tow headed angel with his grandmother. And there's a picture of my date. Oh, why do people take pictures of themselves in the mirror. It's just so cheesy. Don't do it. Red flag number two? Hmm. Not sure. Maybe not. And there's another picture of him in the mirror, a little closer up. And then...
And then...
And then! He must have realized what I was looking at and at the same time that I change to the new picture, cry "OH!" and try to scroll off of the picture, my date bumps his car into the curb and we are jolted back into the lane. Yes, my friends. It was a close up picture of his flaccid penis hanging out of his khaki pants.
And all I could think was, "Why!"
That was definitely a red flag but what was I going to do? Tell him to take me back to my car and have to tell him why if maybe by some chance the whole curb thing was coincidence? Not see Ryan Adams perform? I just tried to put it out of my mind.
We acted like nothing happened. We got to the concert. He tried to park in a No Parking Zone (red flag) and when we walked up to the doors the security guard warned him that he would get towed. So, I went in and he moved the car.
At the intermission we took a little walk. I wasn't aware of it but it was back to his car. He pulls out a flask of whiskey and asks me if I want a swig (red flag). Uh- hello. I'm a girl. I don't take swigs of whiskey. Especially not on a first dates with guys that have naked pictures of their flaccid penis's on their iPods! I politley declined saying I wasn't much of whiskey drinker.
We went back in for the rest of Ryan's weak performance. I still love Ryan anyway. And then it was time to go. He drove me back to my car and there was a little talk about a second date but not much. He pulled up near my car but was blocking someone in when he stopped so while he tried to give me a proper good night goodbye he was rushed. And I was running like Flo-Jo to get my car and driving off like Dale Earnhardt!
I got an email the next day. He wanted to apologize for the whole whiskey in a flask thing. He should have thought that out better and brought me something that I would have liked.
I don't know, like what? A rufie?
Anyone remember MySpace?
Well, I had a MySpace profile and I emailed him through MySpace. I told him I didn't think that we were a romantic match but that I thought his profile was hilarious. We exchanged emails and one Friday he emailed me and asked me out to a Ryan Adams concert.
It was that night! I didn't have anything to do so I said yes. I was also in my work clothes without time to go home to change. I'm no dummy. I went shopping.
I walked out of the store wearing my new clothes with the nice warning from the Sales Clerk that the place I was meeting him at made very strong drinks. Be careful!
The conversation was going along fine when his ex calls. He had a little boy. He had left the little tyke with his Grandma and the ex was just getting in from a vacation with her new boyfriend and was ready to see the little angel. Ms. Ex was not happy that my date was not around to deliver said angel. There was some discussion about it at the table. Followed by an apology.
I'm pretty sure that was my first red flag.
We continue talking and it's time for us to go to the concert. We decide that he is safe enough for me to ride with and we go. On the way he decides he needs to call Ms. Ex back. We're in a car. I'm trapped here. So, in an effort to not eaves drop which is impossible I pick up his iPod and start scrolling through it.
It was a new iPod for the time- you know one with photos loaded on it. I started scrolling through the pictures. There's a picture of his little tow headed angel. Aw. And there's the little tow headed angel with his grandmother. And there's a picture of my date. Oh, why do people take pictures of themselves in the mirror. It's just so cheesy. Don't do it. Red flag number two? Hmm. Not sure. Maybe not. And there's another picture of him in the mirror, a little closer up. And then...
And then...
And then! He must have realized what I was looking at and at the same time that I change to the new picture, cry "OH!" and try to scroll off of the picture, my date bumps his car into the curb and we are jolted back into the lane. Yes, my friends. It was a close up picture of his flaccid penis hanging out of his khaki pants.
And all I could think was, "Why!"
That was definitely a red flag but what was I going to do? Tell him to take me back to my car and have to tell him why if maybe by some chance the whole curb thing was coincidence? Not see Ryan Adams perform? I just tried to put it out of my mind.
We acted like nothing happened. We got to the concert. He tried to park in a No Parking Zone (red flag) and when we walked up to the doors the security guard warned him that he would get towed. So, I went in and he moved the car.
At the intermission we took a little walk. I wasn't aware of it but it was back to his car. He pulls out a flask of whiskey and asks me if I want a swig (red flag). Uh- hello. I'm a girl. I don't take swigs of whiskey. Especially not on a first dates with guys that have naked pictures of their flaccid penis's on their iPods! I politley declined saying I wasn't much of whiskey drinker.
We went back in for the rest of Ryan's weak performance. I still love Ryan anyway. And then it was time to go. He drove me back to my car and there was a little talk about a second date but not much. He pulled up near my car but was blocking someone in when he stopped so while he tried to give me a proper good night goodbye he was rushed. And I was running like Flo-Jo to get my car and driving off like Dale Earnhardt!
I got an email the next day. He wanted to apologize for the whole whiskey in a flask thing. He should have thought that out better and brought me something that I would have liked.
I don't know, like what? A rufie?
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